Evolutionary Blog

Relationships: Effective Communication | Elegant Navigation

Part 1: The Problem (1346 words. Average reading time: 6 minutes)

In the global marketplace of cultures, ideas, relationships, and business strategies, we can no longer say that there is one way to “do relationships” or that there is an “is-ness” to what form they should take.

 There simply is no global—or even local—consensus around relationships—if there ever was.

Whether we are speaking about arranged marriages still common on the other side of the globe in India, gay marriages—legal in some countries and some U.S. States or other alternative forms of relating from polyamory, or other non-traditional, non-monogamous relationship forms, we can certainly say that what is considered an acceptable form of relating is massively expanding in scope.

Whether you agree or disagree with those life-style choices, it is undeniable that the very idea of relationship is in evolution both morally and culturally.  Not to mention in practicality—in form.

And yet … 

And yet, most people still cannot seem to even navigate the waters of traditional relationships with facility and elegance.  Even many friendships are not always fulfilling and conflicts are rarely navigated effectively—if at all. Sadly, many marriages and intimate romantic relationships often hobble along until people are just in a habit, not a relationship. They’re still “together” on the surface, but the reality, truth, intimacy, and dynamism faded—or died—long ago.

They are in a habit, not an actual relationship.

There are certainly exceptions to this.  Both in relationships and in society as a whole. We have individuals and small “intentional” communities who have it as one of their stated values to become facile at navigating the waters of relationships—including  conflicts and misunderstandings that arise, as well as their internal, individual, personal emotional upset or “charge” that comes along with it—with skill, ease, and a good degree of elegance.

But even after more than 40 years of the rise and expansion of the human potential movement, these are exceptions, not rules.  Heck, they are often not even expected standards, let alone the rule.

But it could be so.  

We can all have fulfilling, harmonious relationships. Even in conflict, there are philosophical approaches as well effective communication models that, if take on, can fulfill on this possibility—and make it a reality.

So…what are they?

 First, let’s look at some of the common problems that arise. And then, together, we will examine some simple solutions.

The Problems

Many of dynamics within inter-personal problems and/or conflicts can be summed up thusly:

• A belief that relationships are “supposed to take work” or “supposed to be hard”
• Dishonesty. Dishonesty in at least two ways
  • Deceit—actual lying
  • Hiding the truth—not just of facts, which we will lump in with the above, but of our internal, subjective experience. Our process. And what is going on for us.
• Blaming others for our circumstances or the situation AND
• Failing to take responsibility for our part in a conflict or misunderstanding
• Simply meaning two different things—or interpreting something in two different ways—that are in conflict unknowingly until the it causes a conflict explicitly and openly
• An egoic need to “be right” put before a search for truth and accuracy
• A lack of emotional choice or facility [being run by our anger, fear, anxiety, guilt, resentments etc.]
• A lack of knowledge around how to effectively communicate through a conflict—a lack of a positive, effective, workable model
• A lack of skillful means with those models
• A collision of values/world-views that are in conflict

Relationships: Effective Communication | Elegant Navigation

Part 2: The Solutions (1100 words, average reading time: 4.5 minutes)

[Part 1 can be found HERE]

I have a very simple approach to relationships, that avoids most, if not all, of the problems outlined in the interpersonal conflicts above. It is the philosophical grounding I take on in all of my relationships explicitly:

• Realize—and accept—the fact that no one way of approaching relationships, communication, or conflict is the “right way”. That there is no consensus agreement or reality except that which you form with the Other. They are simply different styles…therefore take this on as an organizing principle and act accordingly: 

• Give the other person the freedom to be however they want; to be self expressed free from attempts to control them or suppress them
• Give yourself the freedom to be fully self-expressed—to be your authentic self
• In the event that one person’s behavior upsets the other, the person who is upset makes a clear request to alter the offending behavior
  • If they accept the request, you now have an agreement
  • If they decline the request, you now know what to expect from them and have more understanding of each other’s approach to the world
  • Forge an agreement with the other that this is the way you will approach relationships and conflict

Simple.

It gives both parties maximum freedom to be themselves. It treats both parties like adults who are responsible for their own experience—and can express their needs. Everything is on the table and at face value. There is no second-guessing. There is no ambiguity. There are no guessing games or “game playing”.

And really, holding someone accountable to agreements they have not made—in the form of your unstated expectations—is simply unjust. It is also supremely arrogant, in that it assumes that “well, everybody knows that you should…” which can be translated at a deeper level of its assumption is “my way of doing relationships is the global standard”. 

Incredibly arrogant.

Your way of doing it may be more effective—and may even be more enjoyable for both parties if accepted by and engaged in by both parties—but it is not the only way to do it, and in the absence of an explicit consensus or agreement reality, you must create one.

As I said, it is simple. However, it is not easy.   

There are several things you must do and develop efficacy with for this approach to work and work well for both parties.  There is also a very effective way to communicate through those upsets before making your request (the last bullet point above). We’ll get to that in a few minutes.

First, here is what you must do:

Take on the recommended philosophical grounding and approach outlined in the bullet points above. 

Take responsibility. Don’t do it for them, or for the other person. Do it for yourself—as your esteem for yourself will expand and grow each time you accept responsibility. Your sense of self expands. It also has the effect of allowing people who are emotionally mature enough to follow suit and take responsibility for their part in it—rather than polarizing, blaming each other, and digging your heels in—to the detriment of the relationship and/or for the thin gruel of short-term ego inflation (as opposed to healthy egoic expansion, which occurs, again, by taking responsibility). 

Engage in as many other practices as possible to build true and healthy esteem for the self.  It is your immune system for your emotional life.

Make a firm decision to practice and exercise your facility with self.  At a bare minimum, know that even if your interpretations of what is occurring are mostly accurate, they are at least incomplete. Always look to include more information in your world-view. Expand your perspective.

More advanced practices to exercise your internal facility would be to consider:

• How else could the events/their actions be interpreted?
• Where else could the person be coming from?
  • What else—besides your disempowering interpretation/projection/guess—could be their motivations? Their intent? Their outcome?
  • What could their positive intent be?
  • Step into their shoes. What could their experience of you be right now? Is it positive? Neutral? Negative? What else is going on right now for them that is straining their resources?
  • What emotion is underneath their communication—and speak directly to and validate that before getting to facts and agreements

Take on a responsible and conscious model for communicating your emotions, expectations, and for requesting an agreement around styles.

[update: listen to this call below. Register for the remaining call in the series here]
{mp3}free_teleseminars/20101025_clc_initial_consultations{/mp3}

Take a moment to consider ...

What if you could count on a prospective client signing an extended package with you when you see them in person? When I say, "count on" I mean with 90% certainty?

As a holistic practitioner, you are sensitive to dynamics that do not feel right and you truly want to be of service to your prospective clients. You want to make sure they never feel pressured.

And they never should feel that--they do not to.

Discover how to have the best of all worlds ::: how to serve your potential client fully; how to convert more prospective clients into clients, and ultimately ... friends.

And do it by having a sales system that is in service of the actualization of the life they have always dreamed of ... and deserve.

Discover how on this tele-seminar. Details about the series here and registration here.

Update: The audio for this call is now avaialble here:
{mp3}free_teleseminars/20101011_clc_offering{/mp3}

[The next call in the series is Monday, October 18th. See details for registration at the bottom of this post and details on the entire series HERE.]

It is no secret that a primary component of building a 6-figure practice is to offer prospective clients a comprehensive package and path to step into.

There are only a few components successful coaches and practitioners must incorporate into their practice to turn it into a business. At the same time, you can be “doing” these things, and still be unsuccessful unless you have the necessary techniques and ethical tactics incorporated into the components.

Not just the “how” but “how specifically”.

In this free evening discover:

• The 3 Necessary Components for Building and Maintaining a 6-Figure Practice
  • How to construct talks and tele-seminars so that your students and attendees
    • Learn and retain more information and learnings
    • Have maximum opportunity to engage in your products or services without feeling "sold" or "pitched to"
  • How to design a comprehensive offering
  • How to turn initial consultations into results (90% conversion rate from prospects to clients)

• 7 "Tricks of the Trade" including:
  • 4 strategies successful coaches and practitioners engage in on a regular basis to maintain their practice
  • 3 critical techniques to turn your initial consultations into results
• The Number 1 Mistake that Practitioners and Coaches make in their marketing strategy and copy writing
  • [and its solution]

This from a former student :::

"Jason McClain is the real deal. His personal life story makes the stories of both Tony Robbins and Christopher Howard look like happy-go-lucky children’s books. He has been quoted as saying, 'if I can be happy and successful anyone can'.

"He built a 6-figure practice from scratch with an intangible service ::: “Personal Evolution”. Something no one wakes up in the morning and thinks they need or looks for. His success was as a result of the incredible efficacy of the system he developed by trial and error."  --M.D.

A system I will hand over to you in this talk. Fine-tuned, streamlined ... optimized.

"I believe that right now is the time for the Evolutionary Professional™. The emergent agent of change integrating purpose and wealth; doing well as a result of doing good-- integrating universal spiritual principles and free market economics. I understand that the more of you I empowers to be successful, and have a full-time practice that is thriving, the better off the world will be.

Evolving the planet one client at a time is great, but it is horribly inefficient. *laughing* Let’s accelerate the process together."  --Jason D McClain

--

Jason D McClain will lead this talk.

Acquire knowledge from one of the most broadly educated minds in the coaching business always innocently irreverent, funny, affable, approachable, and obviously committed to serving you by delivering dense value in his talks, expect the tips you will learn in this evening to bear immediate and lasting fruit in your business and in your life.

Bring something to take notes with. Be ready to implement effective ethical strategies to dramatically increase your income as well as your levels of fulfillment.

Isn't it about time?

What ::: Evening for Practitioners
When ::: Tuesday, October 12th @ 7:30pm
Where ::: San Francisco in the Inner Sunset [9th and Judah-ish]

RSVP for exact address.