"Falling in love is the greatest story of addiction in existence." -Philippe Lewis I toyed with this idea for years. Along with the idea that all romantic love is delusion. Delusion and addiction. Why else does "absence make the heart grow fonder" if not because you aren't dealing with the reality of who they are - but rather who you imagine them t...
© © 2017 Jason D McClain, World-Wide Rights Reserved.
Everything (everything? Yes everything) is hypnosis.
That is not a meta-model violation*. That is a Universal Truth. Every thought you think. Every song you sing. Everything you do in your mind is self-hypnosis.
You are doing it already. And some of you are even doing it consciously. At times. Most times, you are not. Most times the inmates (negative thoughts/negative self-talk, therefore, negative trances) are running the prison.
It is so easy to make a difference in someone’s life with words of encouragement or an acknowledgment of something we appreciate about them.
Strangers are even more positively impacted. They probably go home and tell their spouse or sibling or friend about the random stranger who said the thing to them that day that had them laugh or feel appreciated or … and all we did was use their name from their name tag and ask them if everyone was treating them kindly today. We treated them like a human rather than an extension of the scanner attached to the checkout counter.
There are many ways to disrupt negative states (or say what it is: a self-imposed negative hypnotic trance) in others. Humor is one. Authentic kindness that shows a depth of seeing another is one. Tickling someone is one. Making a funny face at a crying child when you can see it and their parent’s back is to you (one of my personal favorites for public transportation) [pro tip: only lasts until mom or dad wonder why the toddler is suddenly giggling and they start to look around. I always pretend to be looking out the window. Never been caught yet. Then do it again. Build rapport with the toddler as it is just the two of you connected].
There are many others.
Sometimes just being more enthusiastic about someone’s negative trance will have them snap out of it.
Let me give an example by way of a recent and true personal story.
I have a friend who is suicidal - has truly given up on life. I recited for him (accurately hallucinated) all of his reasons he may be thinking this was the best option and he would say, “that’s right!” “How did you know?” or “That’s exactly right” each time (building rapport deeply by accurately projecting his motivations which were not known to anyone but himself).
He’s 80, and he has much he wanted to accomplish that he has not, but he has become a bitter, anxious, cynical old man and is really just waiting out his days. He thinks he is worth more to his wife dead (insurance) than alive. And that may be true even to her. They divorced 40 years ago and I don’t think you do that again - at this point, you just say screw it. But to her, he is nothing but unfulfilled promises and wasted potential. They live separately and only see each other for the grandchildren on the weekends and she treats him poorly.
And he can be an ass. But ... **shrug**
The truth is he just does not have it in him to rally for a Third Act.
Anyway, he has brought up the idea of assisted suicide enough times to me that this last time, I said: “you are really asking if I will help you”.
Yes, he said.
So I went at it with full gusto and in 15 minutes came up with a foolproof plan that would be painless, look like an accident, and require only things that he already had in his possession.
And then I said, with a chipper tone in my voice, “Awesome! You always said I could have this apartment when you died" and looking around the room ... "I’ll be sure the artwork goes to the appropriate art galleries or donate them wherever you want them (he said his some and his grandchildren had no interest in them). But I would like to keep this one (pointing to one piece) Let’s set a date! How much time do you need to get your affairs in order?” He looked at me curiously and settled on December 15th.
We chatted for a bit more and then I left.
I returned the next day around noon time.
And I came into his office. He offered me coffee. And I said, again with cheer in my voice: “So! December 15th, huh!? We get to end all this suffering for you once and for all. I hope you are ion action around your will and such.” and then I said (tapping my watch on my wrist ) “we’re on a clock mister. Count down has begun! “Let's get this ball rollin’.”
Charisma can be faked. True presence can not. True presence comes from internal alignment - free from nagging self-doubts or internal conflicts. It comes from self-acceptance. That internal dialogue you experience - that negative self-talk? Those can be resolved. Imagining negative outcomes and feeling anxious about your future - that can also be r...
Relationships: Effective Communication | Elegant Navigation
Part 1: The Problem (1346 words. Average reading time: 6 minutes)
In the global marketplace of cultures, ideas, relationships, and business strategies, we can no longer say that there is one way to “do relationships” or that there is an “is-ness” to what form they should take.
There simply is no global—or even local—consensus around relationships—if there ever was.
Whether we are speaking about arranged marriages still common on the other side of the globe in India, gay marriages—legal in some countries and some U.S. States or other alternative forms of relating from polyamory, or other non-traditional, non-monogamous relationship forms, we can certainly say that what is considered an acceptable form of relating is massively expanding in scope.
Whether you agree or disagree with those life-style choices, it is undeniable that the very idea of relationship is in evolution both morally and culturally. Not to mention in practicality—in form.
And yet …
And yet, most people still cannot seem to even navigate the waters of traditional relationships with facility and elegance. Even many friendships are not always fulfilling and conflicts are rarely navigated effectively—if at all. Sadly, many marriages and intimate romantic relationships often hobble along until people are just in a habit, not a relationship. They’re still “together” on the surface, but the reality, truth, intimacy, and dynamism faded—or died—long ago.
They are in a habit, not an actual relationship.
There are certainly exceptions to this. Both in relationships and in society as a whole. We have individuals and small “intentional” communities who have it as one of their stated values to become facile at navigating the waters of relationships—including conflicts and misunderstandings that arise, as well as their internal, individual, personal emotional upset or “charge” that comes along with it—with skill, ease, and a good degree of elegance.
But even after more than 40 years of the rise and expansion of the human potential movement, these are exceptions, not rules. Heck, they are often not even expected standards, let alone the rule.
But it could be so.
We can all have fulfilling, harmonious relationships. Even in conflict, there are philosophical approaches as well effective communication models that, if take on, can fulfill on this possibility—and make it a reality.
So…what are they?
First, let’s look at some of the common problems that arise. And then, together, we will examine some simple solutions.
The Problems
Many of dynamics within inter-personal problems and/or conflicts can be summed up thusly:
Recently, I offered a free evening workshop on relationships. Both dating as well as conflict resolution. But the truth is, these distinctions are useful tools in any kind of relationship--be it professional, romantic, personal, or ... well, any relationship. I could have really recorded several versions of this -- or even broke this one out into three and flesh the ideas, tools, and concepts even further, but consider this a dense yet brief overview of a 2-hour workshop.
Watch the video below for more. And rememer to imagine other applications in addition to the situations I mention.
Want an iPad version? Your video is »here« . Want to watch it on the iPhone? Click »here«. On most other devices, the HTML5 video below should do just fine.
Approximate run-time is 31 minutes.
